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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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1:52 am
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My fellow Americans,
I would like to take this opporunitism, while the war rages over Mars, to mention something which is close to all our hearts: heterosexuo-ality.
Over the past weeks, minute and half-hours, it has been suggestificated to me that we allow men and women of the United Stated of Americas to be homosexual. First, I would like to clarificate a key error in that argumentalisation by saying that it is impossible for a woman to be a homosexuo-al, as recent studies carried out by the US government clearly show that they don't have penises.
That put to one sideline, we now come to the issue of homosexuo-als, and their place in civitised sociality. Some of you may think that I think that I do not value gays, queers and whoopsie-boys in the same way I view normal people. This is not true. Many of them make very good cleaners, lavatory attendants and shoe-shiners, and it is these civitizens who keep America clean. More and more recently whoopsies have been "coming out" as it's recently been dubbified, and only last week singer Elton John from the United Kingland of England admitted that he was a pansy, a revelelevation that has shockified the world.
Sissy boys have a place in America, and so I, your King, have passed a new law allowifying gays to marry any person of the opposite sex they choose, regardless of that person's age, race or sexual prefererence. In the mean time I hope they will continue to keep America clean and smelling fresh, so that we, the great nation of American, will continuify to prosperify and thirvify.
God help America.
GWB
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| Friday, January 9th, 2004
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4:56 am
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My fellow Americanites,
At approximly five minutes past ten to nine this a.m., American fighter pilots dropped the first of what will doubtfully be many bombs to be dropped on the Bahrain targets that our great nation are dropping them on. We are, of course, targetising buildings deceitfully disguisifed as schools and hospitals, as these are the buildlings most likely to be housing secret weapons factories of mass destruction- a fact we learn in our conflictures with Saddam Bin Laden and Mr. Potato Head.
Now that we have oblittified the entire island, we can see no signifal of either weapons of mass destructionification or our SupaMegaBlaster 500. This can only mean one thing. Amir Khalifa, in his wicked, treacherous, naughty ways, has fled to that red, desert land known as Mars.
At approximatically ten-oh-nine this morning, NASA interceptified a transvission, supposedly from a USSR space shuttle called Boran 5, detailing the cargo of their shuttle and their intents to carry out a scientifific experiment in space. However, as those of us taught to the same high standardizes as we ourselves know, science cannot exist in space. There simply isn't any air.
This can only mean one thing. Amir Khalifa, using funds stolen from the Bahrainy people, has hijackified a shuttle from the USSRian people and is now on his way to crash it into Mars and kill the entire Martian population.
At approximatically eleven-eleven this morning, I phoned the USSR, but was repatedly hung up upon when I asked to speak to their king. This lack of co-operation can lead us to only one conclusion- that the USSR is in league with Amir Khalifa in its mission to fly a shuttle to Mars and killify all of the good, virtuouso Martian people.
I realizalized that this axis of evil (mach 2) had to be stoppified. As those of you with the Discoverising Channel may know, we recently dispatchicated a rover shuttle named Rover, for just such an eventualitity, to send back pictures of any damage that might have been done by Amir Khalifa and the USSR.
I had never expecticated next what I next saw next. It appears that we, the great nation of Americana, got there too late, and by the time Rover had sent the picturises over to NASA, the entire Martin populationification was nowhere to be seen. This can mean only one thing- Amir Khalifa, in alliance with the USSRians, had, in an act of nastiness, killed them all. There was also no trace of our SuperMegaBlaster 500, and therefore we can safely assume that it was this which caused their untimically deathification.
As of lunctime today, or just after desert, we have declared war on nastiness. We will defeatalise nastiness at every turn, and our great nation will emerge victorious.
God help America.
GWB
current mood: patriotic
current music: "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps
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| Monday, January 5th, 2004
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1:25 am
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My fellow Americans,
First of all, I would like to be the first to take this opporunitism to be the first to congratulate you a merry new year. I for one spent the new year's eve of the new year with my family, where we intendified to watch the firework display.
What I am about to say to you may be to you the most shockifying thing you have ever heard in your daily, day-today life, but tell you I must.
When we went to open up the box we went to open, which contained the fireworks within them, we found that one- a red SupaMegaBlaster 500, was missing.
Some would might be so bold as to ask to us "are you sure you didn't let it off at Christmas, or Easter, or, for those Jewishes among us- Yule". But, my fellow Americans- there can remain only one explanification remaining, and that that is that a SupaMegaBlaster 500 has fallen into the hands of the people we feared the most that it would fall into the hands of- terroristical organisationalisations. I refer of course, to the nation of Bahrain.
Bahrain, for those not quite as geographogically knowledged as my good self, lies in the Persian Golf and its population of 700,000 people are rained on by the tyrannosaurus dictatorphone Amir Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa.
We know that Amir Khalifa has our firework of mass destruction. And that is why I, your lord protector and almighty, have dispatched 800,000 troops to their land to freeify the people from Khalifa's depressive ray-geem, and to return to its rightfully owners our beloved SupaMegaBlaster 500.
There will be blood shed. Many Bahrainis may lose their lives, but as the sun sets on our great nation- let it always set on America the free. America the brave.
As they go to theiir possible deathbed, may God bless our troops, and may God continue to help America.
GWB
current mood: patriotic
current music: "Jingle Bell Rock" - The Muppet
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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1:07 am
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My fellow Americans,
As you maybe may be aware, a tragic and terrible tragedy has recently befalled our great nation. On 9:23am at the 26th of December, I was beseated here in the Oval Office on a chair when I was given the new news which had been given to me and which I now, as your president and high commander, give to you, the American public.
The terrible news of the madness of our cows has, I'm sure, struck a chord in the hearts of those free and happy civilizens of our great nation, but alarm is not a necessarity. Already, as I speak these words I'm speaking to you now, a team of animal psychologiatrists is on their way to a various of ranches across the United State, with the intentions and the purpose of restoring the sanity of those cows so tragicistically afflected by this rehabilitating disease. Have no fear- these cows are not mad at you, the civilizans of our great nation. They are simply mad. Have faith that I, your chief and lord high councillor, will work in junction with the scientifics of American to put an end to their suffertude and the plight of the beastlife of our great nation.
In equally tragedic news, this Christianmas also brought sadness to myself and to those closest to myself. The absense, under my Christianmas tree, of a Buzz Lightyear action figure with fully rotating arms and twelve realistic sounds was an absense that was, I have no doubt, felt by not only myself but also Americanish civitizens everywhere. But have no fear. I, your loving President and high chieftain, have diverted money from public funding from schools and hostipals, to have flown from Japana, the home of the Plastek manufacturification company, a Buzz Lightyear action figure with fully rotating arms and twelve realistic sounds. We will perserverify, we will survive, and we will continue to be great, as fits our once-mighty nation.
God help America.
GWB
current music: "The Way You Make Me Feel" - Michael Jackson
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| Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
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8:46 pm
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My fellow Americans,
In light of what have recently been recent events I have decidified, with help from members of my A-team, to keep a web journal of my day-today life so that you, the loyal citizens of the United State of Americas can share in the day-today world in which I, President George Walker Bush, live in.
I know many of you have been very excitified about recent events- the finding by our troops of Saddam Bin Laden and his eventually bringing to justice. Now, with Saddam imprisonised, we turn our thoughts to Christmas, and the birth of our great savior. We think too of his eventually return, that he will come to judge us all, to determinise if we've been naughty or nice, and to reward us accordianly, before flying away once again on his magic sleigh. We pray to him for forgiving of our naughtiness and, at this time of great happiness and celebrationification, we pray for peace on Earth and also outside America.
God help America.
GWB
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